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Can I say that?  Waking up next to him every day is a dream come true.  The feel of his skin against mine makes my heart race and my mind wander. I didn’t expect the fights but I should have. The make up sex is electric. He is my best friend, I could talk to him for hours about everything and nothing just to hear the sound of his voice. I love him with all my heart. I can’t wait for the rest of my life. Oh, and I think I may be pregnant. Fingers crossed.December 7th 2001. A new bird in the nest.It’s a girl!  We don't have a name yet, we were expecting a boy. Maybe Grace or Joy or Hope.  He says I’ve never been more beautiful, but I don’t feel that way.  He kissed me and then he kissed her too, on the forehead.  I’m not the only girl in his life anymore. Is that a silly thought? Am I jealous? I just breastfed for the first time.  It was awkward and a little painful.  She’s sleeping now on my chest.This is what true joy feels like.  That settles it—we’ll name her Joy. I think I’ll sleep while I can. I’m so tired already.December 7th 2002. Joy to the world!We had the most beautiful birthday party today.He took care of everything. He's my hero.Joy stuck her foot in the cake.He ate that piece. It’s what dads do.I miss my dad. He would have loved my Joy so.I'm still tired but it's a good tired.Days go by slowly but this year flew by fast.I miss working. Maybe this year I'll go back.January 1st 2006. The first fight.He was drinking last night—we all were.  I could tell he was mad. I asked him what was wrong. He said it was nothing.  We didn’t talk the whole way home. I don’t understand. We’ve always been able to talk.  I asked again and he exploded.  I thought we had fights before, but I was wrong. This was what a fight really feels like.  He yelled. He said I spent too much on Christmas and Joy’s birthday.  He said yes to everything, but he didn’t mean it.  I was supposed to know.  I believed him when he said we had enough money.I want to work, but he thinks I should be home with Joy.Is this my fault? Joy heard us yelling. My heart is broken for her.I love him so much I can’t stand the separation.  I’m so confused I don’t know what to do. I can’t call my mom. She’ll say she warned me.I’ll call his mom, she’ll know what to do.May 24th 2010. Lost.We watched the series finale of Lost last night. What a disappointment.  We watch a lot of TV now, also a disappointment.  We used to talk about love and sex, now we just talk about his job and the bills.  I still love the sound of his voice. I just don’t love the reasons I hear it.I miss the fights. Is that weird?I miss the make up sex.Now it’s just on birthdays and anniversaries.  It’s not his fault, at least not all his fault. I’m busy and tired.  I’m not so sure I want to have sex.I think I just want to feel desired.I feel lost.April 21st 2012. What’s wrong with me?He works late all the time.When he’s home I don’t know what to say.  We don’t even watch TV together anymore. He watches sports. I watch sitcoms and movies.I miss kissing. He used to say our “tongues danced,” but now our lips barely touch. The other day I flirted with Scott, an old boyfriend on Facebook.Is he interested in someone else, too? I went to his work last night unannounced.  He was there, all alone, working, just like he said.  Is this a phase?  When does marriage get good again?  I think I’ll reach out to Scott.  What‘s wrong with me?June 7th 2015. Hope.He surprised me today.15 years of marriage.A pearl necklace.A horse drawn carriage.A babysitter I didn't have to schedule.A candlelight dinner for two.He reminded me why he's my hero.I felt beautiful and hopeful. I've missed that.November 15th 2017. The word.I used the word tonight. The D word.  I always wondered how does that conversation start?How do two people pledge their lives to each other and then change their minds?  It felt true.I hurt him. I could see it immediately.I said I was sorry.  We had make up sex, the electric kind, for the first time in years.  Is this a turning point, a new beginning or the beginning of the end?  Does he still love me? Do I still love him? Does it even matter?  He doesn’t drink anymore but now I do.  Who am I?September 1st 2019. No Joy.Joy left for college today.  I cried, so did he. He held me close for the first time in years. It was wonderful and terrible at the same time.  It felt as if I were saying goodbye to him as well.  I’m not in love. He says he is.  Is he just trying to do what he’s always done? Be my hero.  I admire him for trying but it’s too late.  Today we were a team one last time, but the end is near.We rode home in silence.July 29th 2020. Alone.He moved out today.  We didn’t fight. We even laughed a little. I helped him pack, I made him lunch.  I carried the small boxes to the moving van he rented.  We have to wait a year for it to be final. It’s the law.I can’t help feeling so alone. I’ve felt alone for as long as I can remember but not like this.  I miss him already and yet I’m glad he’s gone.  I don’t understand it all.  I have no one to talk to anymore.  I’m sad.July 28th 2021. Tomorrow is the day.I can’t believe it. I knew the day would come eventually but it’s actually here.  A new chapter, a new last name, the unknown, an end and a beginning.  I can’t imagine my life without him. I’m nervous and a little scared.  I wonder what he’s thinking now. Does he have any regrets or cold feet?  Will he sleep a wink tonight? I know I won’t. I want to call him but I know I shouldn’t. True love is rare, more so than I could ever have imagined.  Will I cry? Probably, I usually do. Ok, enough stalling. 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